Three years is a long time

I haven't posted anything on here in quite a long time. Life gets in the way. Between work, marriage, and raising a kid there is little time for myself.

What has happened in those three years. Well, we had a son. It was a difficult pregnancy for my wife and stressful for us both. During her seventh moth of pregnancy we went until the OB for a normal checkup. Her blood pressure was sky high. The next day it hadn't come down and we were rushed to the hospital. The next morning she had emergency C-Section. Just reliving the basics through words on a screen gets me emotional.

Our son came to us eight weeks early. My wife recovered and he spend the next month in ICU. Multiple daily trips to the hospital were the norm.The nurses said he had a fighting attitude since day one. A trait that has for better or worse remained to this day. He is a little on the small side, but is a healthy, extremely smart, and stubborn two and half year old.

Also during this time period my work has also changed. Currently with the same company but the branch office I managed closed at the end of 2019 and at the beginning of the year I was transferred to our headquarters in Indianapolis. So we had a quick sell of our old house, a quick buy for a new property, and a move to kick off the year. We had to leave behind the only area my wife knew since she came to America, along with several friends.

Now we are in the middle of a pandemic, like all of us, and wondering what the next unknown day will bring.

That's the last three years in a nutshell. Father and Husband are my main roles these days when I am not working. It's an exhausting role, but rewarding in so many ways that I never imagined.





Observation of An Illogical mind by Sean Kimmel is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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Baby Time

Just before we left for California, Pam was concerned. She wasn't feeling the best and her monthly period was late. She decided to take a pregnancy test. It came out positive. Later that day she took another with the same results. And in the wee hours of the morning before heading off to the airport she took a third test. Trifecta.

It looks like we are going to have a baby.

After we returned from California we scheduled a visit with the doctor. Blood work was taken and a revisit a couple of days later confirmed that she was about six or seven weeks along. Which would put the due date on October 31 (which is rather cool).

It looks like we are going to have a baby.

We scheduled an appointment with the OB about a week later. He had a little trouble finding the baby with a normal ultrasound. So we he order a vagina ultrasound and they were able to squeeze us in. I could see the worry on Pam's face as the technician did her work . I remained the rock to help ease her mind. Eventually the tech turned the monitor around a said "This little spec is the baby and this thumping is it's strong heartbeat." Tears rolled down Pam's face. Tears rolled down my face.

For the first time in three weeks it all came crashing down on me. The excitement, the fear, the joy of the situation.

We are having a baby.




Observation of An Illogical mind by Sean Kimmel is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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Another loss

So after two grandmothers passed away in the Spring, I thought was done for awhile. A naive notice but it really was just more of hoping than anything else. It didn't happen.

In mid November my step-father passed away unexpectedly. I always thought of Frank as more of my mother's husband and a friend than a father figure. I dont mean that statement in a negative manner. I feel that way because they got together when I was in my twenties and never see them a handful of times per year and he wasn't that much older than me (Mom married a younger guy this time around). And it doesn't mean I was any less saddened by the news. It sounds selfish, but he provided me with a piece of mind knowing my mom was being cared for. He is gone and its way too soon.

Frank was a good guy with a great heart who loved and took care of my Mother. His enthusiasm for NASCAR and Michigan Wolverines could be a bit overwhelming at times as could his good natured joking, but he was never malicious and very entertaining.

The man will be missed greatly by family and friends.




Observation of An Illogical mind by Sean Kimmel is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Based on a work at http://www.seankimmel.com.
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Peace and Sadness

I was on vacation when I got the phone call. My Grandmother Kimmel had passed away. She had turned 86 last month. Now she was finally at peace.

I've been preparing since January for the day. It's still not easy. Vacation was cut a tad short as I had to get back home to make funeral arrangements. I am the oldest heir and the executor of her estate. And now, the eldest in my family tree.

The road to her end was rather rapid. Not even two years since she was diagnosed with dementia, her time has ended. We went from seeing her struggle on her own to my sister moving in to help out to getting at home care worker coming in every day to assisted living to full care at the nursing home. The disease is cruel. It is heartless.

At least she still remembered most people who visited her. She couldn't recall much else in the final months. She stopped eating, she had no interests, and all she wanted to do was sleep. But at least her face would momentarily light up when you walked in the room.

I am gonna miss that stubborn, independent, opinionate gal. Tears stream down my face as I type. Memories flood my brain.

Alice Mae Kimmel

In my sadness there is also great relief. The whole situation has been extremely stressful and exhausting, both mentally and physically. Not to mention costly. The only left is all the paperwork.

For the first time in many, many years I feel like there's no responsibilites for me. Nothing keeping me in the area. I can go anywhere if I choose. Hell, maybe worldly adventures are too far off. Becasue now, I need to get back to taking care of me.



Side Note:
On the day of my Grandma Kimmel's funeral, my last grandmother passed away while in the hospital. Two funerals, five days apart. It was a rough couple of weeks.

Goodbye Grandma Donna. You were one of a kind.

Donna Siegel

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Another Day, Another Issue

What a person might know before becoming a caregiver for a retaliative is how time consuming it becomes. At least I had no clue and only don't perform this actions full time every day. There is no way I could. When I have my grandmother up to stay with me, it becomes over whelming. From the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed there is always some "issue" needing attention. Then throughout the night she is up and moving around and beating down my bedroom door. It's exhausting and after about the third day I simple cant deal with it any more. 

Luckily for me, the situation only happens every few months. But still as the main decision maker in regards to her health and estate, a good portion of my day is spent dealing with her issues, the problems she is causing, the insurance companies, and figuring out how to make her money last while doing what is best for her. It is also exhausting. 

Dementia is a cruel disease.

Two months ago we had to move Grandma into an assisted living facility. I was a bit apprehension, for numerous reasons, but neither myself or my sister could take on the responsibilities of being a full time caregiver. The situation lasted six weeks. Due to her wandering around at all hours of the night, occasionally in nothing more than her undergarments, and not respecting the privacy of other resident's apartments by simply barging in on them whenever she wants, I was asked to move her out. 

My choices were to quit my job and become full time caregiver, move her into a different facility closer to me, or move her over to the full care side of her current facility. After about a week of debate and weighing out the factors of all these options and talking with Grandma in an attempt to make her understand why she had to move again; the solution was made. She has friends at her current facility and the staff knows her so we choose to move her to the full care side, which runs about three times as much per day for a shared room. 

I think she understands why but doesn't believe she was doing any of the above mentioned things nor does she want to leave. The not remembering part makes it hard to convince her that it's a safety issue and she needs to be monitored more closely. Sharing a room with another person is the last bit of her independence being taken away, at least in her mind. At least she went from being very mad and throw fits about the move to simply voicing her opinion saying "You know I dont want to leave."

Today was the move. I think she will do better on the full care side. So does the nurses and social worker at the facility. She often gets bored and is always asking "what am I suppose to do". The hard part is she has lost almost all interest in most activities so she shoots down my suggestions on how to stay busy. On the full care side there is more people to talk to and she might hear the activities going on and head down to check them out. It was another big move and another big adjustment for her to make. 

Today wasn't easy for her. Glimpses of her old personality comes through tearing my insides apart. But those moments aren't true reality as that really person doesn't exist anymore. It's a shell of her former self and it will only get worse. I've witnessed it first hand. I keep telling myself this is the best situation for her at this stage of the disease. Hell, it's really the last option. 

Dementia is cruel. To it's victim and their loved ones.




Observations of an Illogical Mind by www.seankimmel.com is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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Life Changing Situation (Dealing with Grandma)

You may know from previous posts that my 85 year old grandmother has dementia. It's been about a year since it was officially diagnosed. Looking back I think the signs were there almost two years ago. Read about the trails and tribulations in this previous post "My Grandmother"

Flash forward to beginning of the year. I decided to hire a part time caregiver after my sister moved out. For the first three months it worked out fairly well. Sure we had issues but it was manageable. 
Then about two months ago, for a couple of reasons I had to hire a second caregiver to help out. In the last month she's covered most days almost all her waking hours (about half the day).

During this time grandma started to display more frequent violent outburst towards the caregivers, my sister, and me. It was either a verbal or physical episode nearly every day for the last month. She has also started falling more frequently. Many days, her confusion has increased. About once a month I'd get a call from LifeLine and an trip to the hospital emergency room followed. 


For the couple weeks I've been debating a lot of scenarios. It became clear to me that Grandma was unable to stay by herself. Three options were the choices: Round the clock in-home care, moving her to Fort Wayne with me, or moving her to an assisted living facility. Each presents its own problems and hazards. 

I always told her that I'd keep her at home as long as I could. 24 hour in-home care is just too expensive for the finances she has left. It was always out. Keeping her out any type of facility was my top priority. It always felt like a death sentence. Moving her in with me proved to be the strongest candidate and also the one with the most issues. My work is incredibly unpredictable. It requires travel and weird hours. I would have to see about getting reduced schedule. Then there was my house. It simply isn't big enough. The need to buy something new, in my price range, and with a certain layout would be a must. Then I'd have to either try to sell or rent my current house. Even with all these red flags, it was the decision I was leaning towards.


Then everything came to a head last week. She fell again. Another night at the hospital to make sure nothing was broke. A couple of days later we took her to the doctor to get checked up. He basically confirmed what I was already thinking. The doctor said she could no longer live alone and should be in assisted living. He went over the reasons why moving Grandma in with me wasn't a smart idea. Coincidentally the assisted living facility we were on the waiting list for called the day before the doctor visit with an available apartment.


After weighing all the options based on her care and her savings, I made one of the decisions I have ever made. Moving her to the assisted facility at the end of the week. I broke the news to her and was met with the "I dont want to leave my home" saying over and over. I spent the two days mopping around feeling guilty and questioning if I made the right call. 

Today the realization came over me that it was the right decision. 
I still dont feel any better about it.




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My Grandmother

This is one of the most personal blogs I've written. It has to do with my Grandmother, her health, and how the situation affects my younger sister and myself who are the primary caregivers and only direct next of kin. Grandma is 84 years old. With the exception of heart issues and hearing loss, she has always been in good health.

Things started to change about this time last year. She started having nightmares. Vivid ones where she thought animals were attacking her in the night. She'd wake up with bloody arms from "fighting them off". The doctor couldn't figure out what was the cause. Then she started doing out of character things like locking the door and shutting the shades during the day. After a few weeks she decided to go to a nursing care facility until the situation got straightened out. After a month and some medication alterations, the nightmares went away. Still the doctor had no clue and assumed it was high anxiety. So back home she went for the rest of winter.

Things were fairly normal until March of this year. Just some memory loss, which I assumed was normal. Then she started complaining of hip pain. She scheduled an appointment with a specialist. On the morning of the appointment she fell while getting ready. My cousin came to pick her up and found her on the bedroom floor. Her ankle was dangling from her foot, hanging by only skin. The ambulance took her to the hospital where she had successful surgery. After a week in the hospital it was off to nursing home for rehabilitation.

The process ended up being about three and half months. She recovered but would now have to use a walker because the doctor felt she could no longer support her weight in a safe manner. We did a few home modifications to help the situation and my sister decided to move in with her for a few weeks to see how she managed.

All of three days later she fell again. This time is was a hairline fracture in her pelvis. Back to the nursing home for rehab. After about two weeks the nurses started noticing personality changes, as did I. She started becoming mean and hostile towards the staff refusing to do exercises or get out of bed. When I would visit and try to confront her about the behavior she'd get emotional, cry, and complain. The nurses stated it looked like early signs of dementia but could just be the trauma catching up with her mentality. It took about about a month and half, about twice as long as it should have, but she was released and back home.

Afterwards, Grandma continued to show behavior unlike her normal self. We made an appointment to get her tested for dementia. The doctor confirmed what we suspected. She had early stages of dementia. Certain tasks she could no longer perform such as drive, handle her finances, and use the stove. But she was still capable of making normal decisions on how to carry out her day. At this point she doesn't need twenty-four hour care. My sister decided to move in to assist her with daily activities she cant do herself. My part is visiting when I can and handling her finances.

That was four months ago. The whole situation has been a struggle for all three of us. We've watched a fiercely independent woman turn into a person who refuses to make any decision. Not to mention the constant repetitiveness, contradictions to her statements, and asking questions to which she already knows the answers. Part of this the disease. Part is her way of lashing out at us since we're now the authority figures. My sister and I believe this because acts fairly normal around her friends and other family members.

Tension is now running at an all time high in the household. My sister is at the end of her patience and I can sympathize with her. I also feel badly for Grandma. I cannot image the struggle she must go through knowing her mind is slipping. I do know that something needs to change soon. The current living situation is not working any more.

Personally my stress level is over the top. My Grandma lives an hour away and I'm making multiple trips to her house during the week which plays havoc on my work schedule and leaves me little free time. Plus I'm fielding several phone calls a day while trying to play mediator and explain the same things over and over to her. It is emotionally draining me. As the Power of Attorney my fear is I need to put her into a nursing care facility or assisted living much sooner than I thought. I had hoped for another year or more, but my Grandma's seemingly selective behavior combined with my sister's inability to be a live in caregiver may force my hand. It tears me up inside.

I honestly do not know what to do.




I hope none of you ever have to deal with a loved one with any form of dementia.





Observations of an Illogical Mind by www.seankimmel.com is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
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Goodbye My Friend

Saturday afternoon I received a text from a friend, Scott. It stated to call him immediately. I sensed something was off and quickly called him. When he said "You may want to sit down for this", my fears were realized. What I imagined was correct, but never would have guessed to whom. Our friend Paul Kurtzman had unexpectedly passed.

I was shocked. Paul was only in his early 40's and healthy. He worked out and ran regularly. He was in good physical condition. And that morning he passed away while at the gym from a heart attack.

I spent the rest of the day with tears in my eyes and anger in my soul.

I got to know Paul through going and traveling to wrestling shows about six years ago. It may sound a bit odd to most, so I'll clarify. A bunch of people from all over the world became friends by following a wresting promotion called Ring of Honor. The one man, named Greg helped to bring many of us together through his generosity of hosting fan gathering. So now I have a group of what I consider close friends that stretch around the globe. It's strange and rather cool how we have all come together become true friends and not just a group of people with a common interest. Trips become more about hanging out with pals than the wrestling. We aid support to each other in times of need. And many of communicate via the internet all the time.

Paul was one of those guys. He lived in Quincy, Mass. He was husband, a father, and a grandfather. He was a strong religious man but never shoved those beliefs upon any person. And quite simply one of the best human beings I've ever had the pleasure of knowing. He was a genuine person; always willing to listen, to talk, and/or give advice. I really cant say enough good things about the man.

I always looked forward to the two-four times a year when I got to see Paul in person. Like I said, he was just a great person to hang around whether it was was at a wrestling show, drinking a fine ale, site seeing, or munching on some food at local eatery. He and his gracious family have opened their home to me before on road trips. I traveled the roads with him on a couple of occasions. Now all I left are stories of the past with no new ones to be written with him as a character.

Over the last few days many of us in "the little wrestling circle" have been talking about Paul on our forum and Facebook. We've tried to turn our grief into positive remembrance, as Paul surely would've wanted it that way.



Paul. Spring 2011. Atlanta

Honestly, my words here doesn't do justice to the man. But right now, it all I can muster.



I miss you buddy.
But I will never forget you.






Observations of an Illogical Mind by www.seankimmel.com is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
Please feel free to share the link but contact me for any other uses or publication. Thanks.